Can't Sleep

I totally forgot I had this blog, but I'm kinda glad I found it now!

In the past few months my life has changed quite a bit. I'm now back in England and in my final year at uni. There's sooooo much work to do and it's never ending. I've got to write a dissertation this year, which isn't tooooo bad, as it's only 6,000 words but I hate doing research. I've never been very good at projects, which involve a lot of time, planning and research. I remember in school when I was doing my maths coursework, I got a D for it, but in the final exam, I got all of the answers right and ended up getting a B for it. Nothing's changed in 6 years, I'm still crap at projects and I didn't even get a 2:1 for my year abroad project...admittedly, I did only spend about 4 days on it, due to some unforeseen circumstances, but still....I'm sure I wouldn't have put that much extra time into it. Basically, getting that mark, has probably ruined any chance of me getting a First, let's just hope I don't screw anything else up and manage to get a 2:1...otherwise I'm screwed.

The major thing that's happened in my life, is my dog dying. I loved him so much and he was a huge part of my life. I also feel partly guilty over it, as we were on holiday when he got ill, and he got ill because he was in the kennels. We never go on holiday in September and we made an exception this year. I should have stayed at home, as I had my project to work on, and if I had made that decision, he's probably, no almost definitely still be here today. I'm sorry. I'll always regret making that decision. I keep remembering how he was when we picked him up at the kennels, he couldn't even stand up by himself and he was covered in urine. We had to take him straight to the vets and I remember when he was lying on the table getting examined. He knew it was the end and all I could do was comfort him. They sedated him and then took him away to be x-rayed and then about 30 mins later we had a call, saying the most humane thing would be to put him down. I wanted to go and see him so me and my dad went up to the vets and I just spent about 10 minutes holding and cuddling him and I couldn't stop crying. He was sedated and it seemed as if he didn't even know who I was, which hurt more than I could have ever imagined. I think leaving him there to be put down, was the hardest thing I've ever done. I miss him so much and just wish he was still here. Everytime I can't sleep, my mind always wanders back to him and it starts me crying and there's always a pain inside my heart when I think that he's not here anymore. The house is empty at home. It's lifeless. There's a huge hole in our lives now, and nothing will fill it again.

I feel sorry for my mum, who's stuck there...admittedly with my dad, but I think that's probably worse than if she was living alone. I wish I could be nearer to her, but when I decided on what uni to go to, I ran away more or less as far as I possibly could, to escape everything there. It was a selfish decision, but I still feel that I needed to do that. I just wish my mum could be nearer.

I'm going home in 4 weeks for Christmas. I'm partly dreading it, and partly looking forward to seeing my mum. She's the only thing that makes it "home". It'll be good to have a couple of weeks to relax and not think of uni for a bit, although I'm sure I'm gonna get sooooo bored, that I'll just start doing some translations, or maybe even work on my dissertation! I really don't want to get to the beginning of April and still not be finished. That would be a nightmare.

I'm thinking what to do with my life after uni at the moment. I'd love to do a masters in translation and interpreting, possibly at Manchester, but it's so expensive and I don't think I can afford it. My rough idea at the moment, is to find a job for a year, probably in Plymouth, so I can live at home, go to Japan on the JET scheme for 2 years, come back and do the masters. Hopefully it'll all work out. I don't want to have to be a teacher, it would be my worst nightmare. The problem is finding a fairly good/interesting job in Plymouth. I doubt I'll find anything to do with German, as it's "too exotic" for the South West. I just hope that I won't be working in Co-op this time next year. I think my overall aim is to be an interpreter. As much as I love translating, I don't really want to spend the rest of my life having tons of books to translate, as I'm sure it can get boring pretty quickly. I'd rather be an interpreter for the UN or maybe even the EU. Hopefully my Japanese will become as good as my German and then hopefully I'll be able to become freelance and be able to travel the world...hopefully with a hot J-Rock band in tow :P

Well, it's 5:30am and I still can't sleep. Feel better though now I've got everything off my chest. Still don't think I'm going to be able to sleep though. Who knows when I'll update next. Probably the next time that I actually remember it exists!

xx

First Entry!!!

Hello and welcome to my blog! I wanted to create this blog so that I could have a place to vent all of my frustrations and everything that's going on in my head. I've always tended to keep everything bottled up inside of me and I thought that maybe, by creating this blog, I could try and use it as a form of therapy! I do have another blog, but my friends have access to it, and there are some things that I'd rather just keep to myself but at the same time get off my chest, but without them reading it and knowing perhaps just how mad the world inside my head is! I know that they wouldn't judge me for it, but still...I'd rather they didn't know everything. Maybe it's jut part of who I am not to let people know every little thing about me. I don't think there's anyone who knows exactly who I am....I never tell people what's going on inside my head and I suppose I'm scared of letting people get too close.

So about me....
I'm a 20 and I come from England. I absolutely LOVE music and I always have in one form or another. I remember the first band that I really became a fan of was the Spice Girls and I was embarrassed to tell my mum about it! Looking back I don't really know why, but I remember not wanting to admit that I was a fan...not because it was the Spice Girls, but the whole feeling of admitting that you like something that much that you want to become a fan. Nowadays, I don't really listen to pop/mainstream music anymore, instead I listen to J Rock. Japanese Rock music of the Visual Kei genre. Basically a lot of hot guys with make up playing really good music! My favourite band is alice nine. and I do tend to fangirl over them, especially the one of the guitarists. Other bands/singers that I like include the GazettE, Dir en Grey, Miyavi and Sug. I do listen to other bands, but I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm a fan.
I'm currently at Uni studying German and I'm on my Year Abroad at the moment! I've waited 3 years for this, but now I'm here it seems a bit anti-climactical! I don't really know what I want to do after uni, perhaps I could be an interpreter or translator. That's as far as I've gotten with my planning, but I know that I want to travel, so I might have a gap year after uni.
I don't really have a lot of friends, instead I have a lot of acquaintances. All the way through school, I never really made any real friends, instead I just hung around with people that I got along with. I don't speak to anyone that I was at school with anymore...because of various reasons, so when I'm at home, I usually just stay indoors with my parents and my dog. Saying that I do have 2 really good friends that I have met at uni and they make my life so much better! I don't know what I would do if they weren't here! We have the same interests and tastes and we tend to do everything together. I don't really like to go out drinking or to clubs as it makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't like the person I become when I'm drunk. Being drunk has ruined an important friendship for me in the past and I suppose I don't want that to happen again. I love to go to the cinema and for meals with my friends and also I love to go to concerts. I am a naturally quiet/shy person, although I have become less shy in the past 2 years. I'm still quiet though and find it hard to talk to new people. I can spend 2 or 3 days just in my flat without speaking to people and I suppose that makes me anti-sociable. I don't mind being alone, and I suppose that's part of the problem. My love life is non-existent which does bother me a bit, although not enough that I do something about it. I've never had a boyfriend and I've only ever kissed 3 guys. 2 of which were just drunken mistakes. The other one actually meant something, but due to us being too young and too stupid at the time, we managed to screw everything up. I imagine a lot will be said about him in my blog, as he seems to be constantly on my mind and I still regret how we both dealt with things.
Anyway...I'm sure I'll reveal a lot more about myself in my blog and hopefully this will actually help me to stop living inside my head so much!

Bye!