Can't Sleep

I totally forgot I had this blog, but I'm kinda glad I found it now!

In the past few months my life has changed quite a bit. I'm now back in England and in my final year at uni. There's sooooo much work to do and it's never ending. I've got to write a dissertation this year, which isn't tooooo bad, as it's only 6,000 words but I hate doing research. I've never been very good at projects, which involve a lot of time, planning and research. I remember in school when I was doing my maths coursework, I got a D for it, but in the final exam, I got all of the answers right and ended up getting a B for it. Nothing's changed in 6 years, I'm still crap at projects and I didn't even get a 2:1 for my year abroad project...admittedly, I did only spend about 4 days on it, due to some unforeseen circumstances, but still....I'm sure I wouldn't have put that much extra time into it. Basically, getting that mark, has probably ruined any chance of me getting a First, let's just hope I don't screw anything else up and manage to get a 2:1...otherwise I'm screwed.

The major thing that's happened in my life, is my dog dying. I loved him so much and he was a huge part of my life. I also feel partly guilty over it, as we were on holiday when he got ill, and he got ill because he was in the kennels. We never go on holiday in September and we made an exception this year. I should have stayed at home, as I had my project to work on, and if I had made that decision, he's probably, no almost definitely still be here today. I'm sorry. I'll always regret making that decision. I keep remembering how he was when we picked him up at the kennels, he couldn't even stand up by himself and he was covered in urine. We had to take him straight to the vets and I remember when he was lying on the table getting examined. He knew it was the end and all I could do was comfort him. They sedated him and then took him away to be x-rayed and then about 30 mins later we had a call, saying the most humane thing would be to put him down. I wanted to go and see him so me and my dad went up to the vets and I just spent about 10 minutes holding and cuddling him and I couldn't stop crying. He was sedated and it seemed as if he didn't even know who I was, which hurt more than I could have ever imagined. I think leaving him there to be put down, was the hardest thing I've ever done. I miss him so much and just wish he was still here. Everytime I can't sleep, my mind always wanders back to him and it starts me crying and there's always a pain inside my heart when I think that he's not here anymore. The house is empty at home. It's lifeless. There's a huge hole in our lives now, and nothing will fill it again.

I feel sorry for my mum, who's stuck there...admittedly with my dad, but I think that's probably worse than if she was living alone. I wish I could be nearer to her, but when I decided on what uni to go to, I ran away more or less as far as I possibly could, to escape everything there. It was a selfish decision, but I still feel that I needed to do that. I just wish my mum could be nearer.

I'm going home in 4 weeks for Christmas. I'm partly dreading it, and partly looking forward to seeing my mum. She's the only thing that makes it "home". It'll be good to have a couple of weeks to relax and not think of uni for a bit, although I'm sure I'm gonna get sooooo bored, that I'll just start doing some translations, or maybe even work on my dissertation! I really don't want to get to the beginning of April and still not be finished. That would be a nightmare.

I'm thinking what to do with my life after uni at the moment. I'd love to do a masters in translation and interpreting, possibly at Manchester, but it's so expensive and I don't think I can afford it. My rough idea at the moment, is to find a job for a year, probably in Plymouth, so I can live at home, go to Japan on the JET scheme for 2 years, come back and do the masters. Hopefully it'll all work out. I don't want to have to be a teacher, it would be my worst nightmare. The problem is finding a fairly good/interesting job in Plymouth. I doubt I'll find anything to do with German, as it's "too exotic" for the South West. I just hope that I won't be working in Co-op this time next year. I think my overall aim is to be an interpreter. As much as I love translating, I don't really want to spend the rest of my life having tons of books to translate, as I'm sure it can get boring pretty quickly. I'd rather be an interpreter for the UN or maybe even the EU. Hopefully my Japanese will become as good as my German and then hopefully I'll be able to become freelance and be able to travel the world...hopefully with a hot J-Rock band in tow :P

Well, it's 5:30am and I still can't sleep. Feel better though now I've got everything off my chest. Still don't think I'm going to be able to sleep though. Who knows when I'll update next. Probably the next time that I actually remember it exists!

xx